Open Letter to my new Sista!

I found out about you 20 years ago and I loved you instantly. You opened a whole new insight to the woman whom we shared a womb. She took her knowledge of you to the grave, but God, in his awesome wisdom, let us hear the news. There were more of us, not just 5 but 6. A missing piece to our family mosaic. I5 years, that's how many years I spent looking for you. Searching, writing, talking, praying, begging for just a morsel. So many possibilities, same city, same day, wrong sex. Same sex, wrong day, same city. Message Boards, adoption search engines, hospital records, road blocks, road blocks, road blocks. Then came the call, Carmen, our sister had made a connection with SOMEONE! Someone in the know. I cried, and cried, and cried. My daughters thought someone was dead. Carmen thought(a most nurses would) I would need sedation. Tell me! Everything! Where is she! Who is she! Whats her name! Telll MMEEE! TELLLL MMMMEEEEE!!!! TEEEEELLLLL MMMMEEEEE!!!! I can wait, me hardly. I want what I want when I want it and I WANT MY SISTER!!!! Carmen says about three weeks, court petitions, permission, yada yada yada! How ridiculous, we are all adults. We all agreed to meet. WE WANT OUR JERRY SPRINGER MOMENT!!! Let me just say this:

• I am so excited to meet you.
• I am here for you, forever.
• You are beautiful.
• I will do my best to be patient, to answer your questions, respect your wishes(ask our sisters and brother how hard that one will be for me)

You are a gift I will treasure. Thank you for opening yourself to meeting us. Thank you for giving us answers to questions that we thought we might not ever get to ask. Thank you for giving us a chance to see our Mom in abstract again. Thank you for giving us a reason to open the Mom dialogue again. The opportunity to remember the great things about her, not just that shes dead. That she laughed and hugged and sang. That she loved you enough to let you go and that God loved us each enough to bring you to us again. That we are family, that we will become a family, with the spirit of our beautiful brown haired, blue eyed mother angel as our nucleus.

The signs of Aging

The signs of Aging, when do we finally succumb to them, when do we stop thinking we look like this person or that person? When do we finally realize, WE ARE OLD? I'll tell you when. WHEN WE, THINKING HOW FUN THIS WILL BE BE, BUY OURSELVES A STUPID DIGITAL CAMERA FOR OUR BIRTHDAY! What was I thinking, did I not know how bad it had gotten or was I in denial? Baggy eyes, blothy skin, double, triple chin, thinning hair? Who is this old lady that I keep taking pictures of. Surley not me. Aging is a scary thing. Emotionally and physically. I moan when I step oput of bed in the morning. Not for need of coffee, but because I get this terrible pain in the heel og my Left foot. I dread the cold (I get stiff) hate the heat( hard to breathe) I can clearly remember not too long ago never feeling any of the affects of age. They say there is hope for me, it's not too late to turn it around. Tomorrow I'll give it a try. (If it's not too cold.)

My New Camera

I bought myself a digital camera. The pictures arent great but I am working on them. Stay tuned for more images to come.

Poem

He jumped on a Grenade How many did he save A life full of hope cut short Only 19 years old Not even an old soul A life of hope cut short How do you tell his mother His father and Brother A life of hope cut short Our leader shed a single tear His Country cried 4 wasted years A life of hope cut short Our Father is the heavens Welcomed NO more fearful nights to come His life left us full of Hope

I'm a mother~ Hear me Roar

Do you ever think you can't answer another question~ that if one more little face asks you an impossible question your going to scream? Well I have, as my children were growing they would come up with some amazing questions~ Which of course led to more questions which prompted their siblings to ask questions~ Which led to arguments about questions~ Which led mother to SCREAM! I didn't actually scream at the children(all the time) on good days I went to my room to scream in my pillow or to the shower to scream(and sometimes choke) under the shower spray. I discovered this morning why I felt so overwhelmed at times by all the questions. Now let me explain that I discovered this while going through the question barrage this morning with my now adolescent child. I discovered the reason for my lack of patience is because~ DRUM ROLL ~ I DON'T KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS!!! Can you imagine my shock as the clarity encompassed my mind. When did this happen, when did I not become the all knowing~ all seeing~ super intelligent~ UBerMOM? How could this be? Have others known all along? Are my children figuring this out? Where is the justice? I'll tell you, I may not have all the answers, but I know where to find them. In a leather bound book on my nightstand~ In the promise of the rainbow~ In a still soft voice that speaks to me when I remember to listen~ In the knowledge he gives to my lovely ladies that I have been blessed to know who lucky for me share their knowledge with me~On the Cross~ No, I may not have all the answers, but aren't my children lucky I know the Truth?

The "F" Word

My son used the "F" word today and no I don't mean fat. Now you must remember that he is 19 and has the legal right to say whatever he wants. But he is my son and my law says "H" word NO! At least not in front of me. I think I was 30 before I cursed in front of my dad and at 38 I still (out of respect for him as well as myself) do not curse in front of him. Why does using crude language make us think that we are getting our point across better? Does using vulgarity get our point across stronger? Do you belive someone who says "I am F-ing Mad" is angrier that someone who says "I am Mad"? I know that I have spewed crass words at many in my life, I still do on occasion. But in 2007 I plan to get my point across more effectively by being Graceful. I wonder how my son would would feel if I asked him to do the same?

It's a Small World

Well, it's offical, I HAVE NO LIFE! My world has gotten entirly too small. Work, Family, Church. Repeat, repeat,repeat. I am on a mission! My mission should I choose to accept it, (OK I accept it, I created it). Develope a life of my own. Find a hobby, meet new people, GET ACTIVE. One of the first things I have started is my blogging! I have been on blogger since 2005 and have not published much. My blogger goal is 4 a week. This was a short week so I'm ok with the three. I'm open to suggestion. Does anybody out there have a hobby they love? Let me know!